Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I wish you were here, MOM!

While I was in your womb, I rocked and rolled and troubled you. I didn’t know whether you liked it or not, but now I know, how you felt when I was inside you. It was a luscious pain and you were in a blissful mode each and every time I kicked you! When I came out of your body and inhaled the first breath in this polluted orb, I felt the gnarl in my belly and that was when I began squalling. It wasn’t the pain I felt or the trouble you controlled, Mom! It was the experience of exposure to the alien world that we witnessed. We both were in a relation, literally while I was connected to you.

It was the need of our lives that the chord between us had to be cut and live our own lives, yet eternally connected! You fed me every day and turned me from an infant to a child. I was still unaware of the ugly side of life as whatever I saw, made me smile, laugh, and sometimes wonder, what the hell was that? The only thing that made me cry was the darkness and the silence when you were not there for a while. I grew up with your company and I was again made to stay away when I joined my school. I was anyway with you afterwards, but those initial 6 hours of the day was a ‘Lonely Paradise’ to me, Mom! I still don’t know how I suffered that dud! I savored your cookery everyday while I was at home and didn’t even care to compliment you for its excellence. You didn’t ever get tired of cooking anything I wished for and at any time I asked for. I didn’t care to respond to the same level with my studies that you expected, Mom!

It was almost over 20 years by now and I still didn’t like going out to market and buying vegetables for you! I now knew that, movies, tours and picnics wasn’t much of fun for you and all you loved was the company of me and my father! I couldn’t help you Mom, as even my father was quite involved in his work and he worked hard to keep our future safe. I was not enough prepared to handle myself. When I got a job and I’d to leave my home and stay alone, it wasn’t easy for me to go away after 20 years and be happy by my own, all alone! I missed you a lot Mom, and my weakness came out upfront during this period. I am not designed to stay alone and I can’t shed a single drop of tear too! I somehow did manage and stayed for almost a year, but couldn’t stay long. I’d come back and be with you! I’d learnt cooking all because of you, Mom! I spent most of my time in kitchen watching you do new recipes all time and I was your daughter! I’d do new stuff, but all I wanted was someone who was with me to just be with me. Alone, I don’t know me, but if you are with me, Mom, I am ME!

I am now working, away from my home, away from family, away from my lovely sister, and I am still searching for that single person like a mad dog, who will make my family complete! I am back to the same place Mom, where I revived my childhood, where I discovered my potential and the place, where I have my friends. The only thing I don’t have here is my family. I miss you Mom, and I wish you were here! I miss those days when I slept in your lap while I was tired and you tapped my head and put me to sleep, I miss those days when you tickled my ribs and made me laugh like hell, I missed those days when you made those balls of the curd rice and stuffed in my mouth while I refused to eat, I miss those days when you spanked me while I was late home after the play, and most of all, I miss being a child and crying out loud! I am a person without those tears now, being looked as something I am not, but I still love you Mom, for what I am, is what I am made of you and you are the only one whom I value (sometimes more than my father)!