The concept of control

“Control” has been a very subjective term over the years. The term has been used, misused, abused to its maximum potential by plutocrats and monarchs alike. But, how differently does this word play out in a family setting? It’s yet another convoluted perspective to look from.

Control, by definition itself, means a relation of constraint of one entity. From our childhood, we’ve been “taught” that we should be powerful enough to “control” all the negative emotions that turbulently gush in our minds (as if it is some disease). For instance, we should control our anger. For ages, we have come to learn that anger destroys relationships, personally and professionally. And, it is quite true. Our parents or teachers aren’t wrong about that. There are infinite examples proving that fact across all streams in science, philosophy, art & literature. Also, when we speak of families, the whole concept of control is born out of hierarchy (family tree). Why should a family need control in the first place?

There are a couple of reasons why it is the strongest choice. When the family has a “Head” (whom we unanimously call, father), he runs the business. He takes care of the financial needs, he looks after everyone in such a way that nobody has to ask for anybody else’s help. He guides you towards the right path whenever you are heading in the wrong direction. He is there as silent support without making a “Hero” out of himself. If he’s open-minded enough, he passes on the control to his “sane” family members who know what are the right things to do as a family.

Sanskrit has etched it in the ancient historic books (Vedas) that “Mother & Father” are equivalent to God. And who dare question that sempiternal truth? Respect for parents becomes a default setting of ours when we all take birth. But, how far can the children go to defy that? To what extent can control annihilate relationships? Well, there is one simple analogy. Human beings are like sand at the beach. Keep them close to the ocean; they all stay together, mix well with each other. There are some occasional seashells and crabs joining the party. The darkest truth about staying together is, “there are no footprints left to follow”, because the waves wash away everything at the shore. As kids, we all wish to be let free, walk our own paths, make our own mistakes. And when that part of our life is taken away, we wouldn’t have an identity left of our own. We may have been a pain in the ass for our parents because of our obnoxious behaviour. But, that’s the whole essence of being “children”. We have no bias about anything in life. We see everything equally as we want. Our imaginations have no limits. Clip our wings, and you would see a bunch of spiritually dissatisfied millennials wanting to break free from the “traditional” cage. In simple terms, our parents are the ocean – full of knowledge, emotions, virtue, love, and magnanimity. They have control over the sand (the children) only when they are within and around them. The sand that’s drenched in the ocean’s love, knowledge, virtue, etc. It is unaffected by the wind. It is unmoved, unchanged for centuries. If the sand travels a bit further, away from the ocean, children would build sand castles, play ball, take a romantic stroll and that’s how they become useful to the society outside. If the sand travels even farther, it becomes a commodity. Capitalists trade sand and gravel to build homes, skyscrapers, multinational corporations. The sand becomes a celebrity. While there’s the sand that still embraces the ocean tightly, has a very high probability of turning itself into quicksand. It might swallow everything coming in its way, except the pride. There can be a strong argument that global warming is the result of the sand that stayed too far from the ocean. In other words, the world can come to an end, if we stop loving our parents and forsake them in their old age. Let’s bring “Control” into the picture, shall we?

“Control” in any condition, in any context, when exercised beyond the threshold, is lethal. There is a stark contrast between Buddha and Hitler for that very reason. While the former let go of control, the latter didn’t. The former became the epitome of peace, and the latter turned synonymous to extinction. It isn’t fair to compare our parents to either of them. They are mere human beings. And like everyone, they too are entitled to commit a few mistakes of their own. But, should they be punished for it? Treated badly? NEVER! As a family, we should all be crystal clear with our emotions. Any doubt, misconceptions, anger, an indifference that fogs our minds, should be immediately cleared away. There can be disagreements as long as it doesn’t end relationships. A disagreement that leads to hatred is the evil job of “Control”. Parents do not have that strength to develop hatred against their own children. Instead, that hatred turns into apathy. They embrace the fact that some things are out of control. As days pass by, the thin line between controlling children and shaping children begins to fade away. They tend to believe both to be one and the same thing. Embracing change is something not all parents are good at. They love vintage stuff the most even if they pretend to like technology more. Vintage, according to them is something that’s old, unharmed by modernity, and unquestioned by critics. That includes traditional values and cultures too.

Speaking of values and cultures, parents have imbibed them all in us from our childhood. As said earlier; we were taught many things in life - controlling our emotions being the major part of that learning. Boys were not supposed to cry, girls were not supposed to stay out late, husbands have no business in kitchen and wives have nothing else to do other than watching daily soaps. These were the norms set by society. Then there emerged a set of rebels, glass-ceiling breakers, and misfits who defied them all. They questioned authorities, asked more whys and whats than our parents ever did. When the parents couldn’t answer their questions anymore, they began to ignore us, silence us or teach us that questioning elders are wrong. We should respect them. Typical, isn’t it? From childhood till our adolescence, we learned to respect elders without questioning authorities. And here we have a set of the population that’s kept as “Reserve Forces” to demolish those who question higher authorities in religious, political and organizational levels. Independent ideologies have to place where control is exercised by insensitive leaders. If this religion is right, there is no other religion that can be right too. If this government has done something good, there is no other political party that can do better. If this organizational structure has brought in good revenues, there is no other way we can let some outsider be CEO. Similarly, if the parent has said something to their children, they have no right to question them or their way of upbringing. There are some elite groups that cannot fathom the concept of resistance. To them, it means war. To others, it means a collective disagreement on an archaic ideology. To a generation whose likings range from Game of Thrones to FRIENDS, know that friendship, sex, and violence is a reality. But, to the generation that grew up underplaying every possible nuance of sex, violence and even reality, feels that they should never learn it or know about it. The gross mentality remains the same. The younger generation has the ability to unlearn real quick, unlike the older generation. The younger generation believes in instant gratification. It is the technology that’s evolved from magazines to smartphones. The millennials get whatever they need at the click of a button. They need no parental validation to prove their standpoint. The millennials are cool living with LGBTs, working with low salaries or no salaries with no job security at their dream company. They wish to marry whenever they seem to be mentally, physically and financially fit. These terms can no longer be dictated by parents anymore. But, parents have their own way to define their style of control. They call it “Cultural Teachings”. If an outsider does the same to their children, it is called “Brainwashing”. If a woman changes (or intrigues change in) a man, it’s called “Manipulation”. There is no single instance where the parents have accepted change positively and immediately, sometimes both. How can this change? The answer is – NEVER!

The children are not at fault for not living up to their parents’ expectations. The parents are not at fault to expect their children to obey their every command. The society is not at fault to blatantly remain unabashed by any global catastrophe. The world is not at fault for existing so long without being reset. Because the concept of control is beyond comprehension. Oceans that lose control, cause a tsunami and consume the whole world. Sand dunes that are oceans away can easily turn any gentle breeze into sandstorms. This, both, the ocean and the sand, should understand.

Cancer

The tumour

has spread the rumour

that humour is dead.

The cells shells

the truth like a mistress

on duty.

The blood

is the flash flood

consuming life

out of your soul.

Under the skin,

pain is akin

to terror.

The nerves serve

no purpose

in the grave.

When the brain

is set to drain

your emotions out,

you can only sit & shout.

When the air turns rare,

and every breath

turns into death,

you stop to care.

When cancer needs a cure,

and your intentions are pure,

you can and you will,

survive.

Unlearning & Ignorance

“Don’t let schooling interfere with your education”

Mark Twain

 Many entrepreneurs today who have accomplished phenomenal feats have risen from humble families, with less or no formal education and with innumerable struggles due to the lack of proper financial aid. But, it didn’t stop them from achieving their dreams. Life taught them valuable lessons. When they were left to bite the dust, they kissed the ground where they stood. They started afresh, ready to learn every lesson. They turned darkness into their blackboard and wrote their own destiny. On the other hand, there are people who have fallen from glory because success had infected their minds. They shut themselves down from every possible aspect of life. They had become scholars on the matters of life and there was nothing on this earth that would possibly teach them anything more. Well, they are the ones back to square one learning rhymes of bad times. Getting a Doctorate in Sales & Marketing would never justify being a dick. Being the most decorated officer in your battalion is not enough when you are not even able to respect women. People have come to a realisation that education today would take us nowhere if we do not learn to unlearn.

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school”

Albert Einstein

When you figure out that the algebraic equations and geometrical theorems wouldn’t really help you achieve your dreams, you will truly discover the true meaning and purpose of education. Unlearning is the hardest part because we have been injected with so much of educational jargons and narcissism that we begin to love who we are, and that’s the most dangerous place to be. Living under an impression that we are “perfect” is the worst kind of an illusion. Not everyone would love to accept their flaws because we are designed to expect more. We would never want an average body; so we hit the gym. We would never want an average motorcycle; so we own a Royal Enfield (on EMI). We would never want to marry an ugly, fat, skinny, hairy, short, tall person. We never wish to settle for the average. We have been programmed to expect perfection and nobody has ever been able to offer a universal definition and work towards it. Perfection forever has been a subjective term and has been coloured differently by those wearing different lenses. Perfection has always been a matter of perspective and it is the most turbulent element of life. While one part of the capitalist world is inclined towards inflicting self-hatred and making you buy things you don’t need, some people have accepted their flaws and have learned from their mistakes – the mistake that they knew the world enough to live a perfect life. They felt that unlearning and ignorance is one and the same. If you ignore what you cannot unlearn, you will eventually unlearn automatically.

“Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace”

Dalai Lama

 The corporate world should know that every person working in companies is a human being and they all come with emotional baggage. It is important to “Know” about their likes and dislikes, pet peeves and OCDs. But it is really necessary to know the source of their inspiration. Why is it they wake up every day and feel like coming to work a mundane nine-to-five job? Money is not always the sole motivator. People quit jobs because of people and not because of jobs. People always love to work where they are understood. When the top management becomes ignorant of their team’s capabilities, it is the top management that would topple, and not the team. The team will always find a way to meet each other, either at work premises or outside. To them, working peacefully together is of primary importance than achieving their daily targets. The team can blindly cross every target if they are confident about their knowledge and expertise. If the team doesn’t feel appreciated enough; if the team feel ignored, it is all because the company is just looking at them as slot machines and not human beings.

In short, if you wish to make it big and never fail, you have already failed. If you want to learn and be more knowledgeable, you should possess a strong will to unlearn first. And to conclude, ignoring the emotions would be a cardinal blunder.

The Great Dying

The darkness has begun,

the light is slowly dying.

There’s no escape from truth,

my dear friend.

Please stop lying

to yourself.

Life & love is just an illusion

I suppose.

There’s no end to the ocean of tears,

pouring from your heart.

The blood and sorrow,

are the truths of tomorrow.

Just accept the pain, as it comes.

Just believe the lies,

and let madness prevail.

Honesty is a myth,

and compassion in abyss.

Do not be brave

to fight darkness.

It’s got no shame.

It consumes you whole,

and ends your game.

Believe me, my friend.

There’s no greatness in living,

or in believing.

There’s no joy in love,

or the kindness you have.

There’s only betrayal,

and melancholy,

that leads you to apocalypse,

with just a pair of scarlet red lips.

Darkness is a seductress.

That’s The Great Dying.

It’s not the Mother’s Fault!

In the primordial battle of choosing the best between a daughter and a daughter-in-law, a mother will always choose her daughter, by default. The credentials won’t matter in any condition because mothers love their children unconditionally, especially their daughters; after they get married. The whole world has generalized the sons and daughters in one phrase – Daughters love the parents till the end, but sons love their parents only till the day they get married. Even if it’s not true, or the other way round, the world will refuse to believe it. The comparison is unnecessary in most cases, but mothers tend to do that as they were always compared with their sisters-in-law by their mothers-in-law.

Every mother, no matter how modern and open-minded, will never accept the fact that a daughter-in-law can be better than a daughter. It’s not the heirloom that the daughter-in-law is after. It never will be (in most of the middle-class cases). Every daughter-in-law has only one expectation – to be treated fairly in the new family. No mother will ever want her daughter to be mistreated after she gets married and moves into a new home. But, when a son brings home a daughter-in-law, the law suddenly changes. The relationship dynamics change and everything changes. All of a sudden, the son falls a million trillion ranks below the daughter. It’s always the sons who become scapegoats in such cold war. Be it on the battlefield, or within the four walls of a home, the lives and souls of sons are sacrificed because of women who do not wish to speak openly about their true feelings. Generic statement! Hurts your feelings, right?

It is true that every new relationship takes time to gel. Everyone thinks more than twice to even utter a word in front of each other in a family gathering. The first impression is the last impression, you know? Sometimes it takes days, months or even years. The daughter-in-law might find it difficult in the beginning to adjust to everything – new people, new relationships, new rituals, new life and new lifestyle. It is the mother’s duty to make her feel at home.

It’s hurtful to a mother to accept that the daughter-in-law has a better understanding of the sensitivities in a relationship, or knows to cook tastier recipes, or has more fashion accessories than her daughter, so on and so forth. They teach their daughters everything - every trick of the trade, every little secret there is. They have the superpower to even describe the smell of their farts. But, on the other hand, they never teach anything to their daughter-in-law in such godly detail. They either assume she knows everything, so there’s no need to teach her anything, or she knows nothing, and there’s no use teaching her anything.

Didn’t your mother teach you?

How many times a daughter-in-law has to face this atrocious question, is still a question. Of course, mothers get old by the time their sons get married. It’s not the mother’s fault if the sons get married in their 30s, right? All they want is - their sons to become capable enough of handling their own responsibilities and that of the wife. On one hand, they pamper their sons and daughters to live like kings and queens. As children, they never taught the sons, the essential life lessons – like bargaining at a shop, handling relationships, SEX EDUCATION... all these were a taboo and not to be discussed as children, with children! Adulting was still a far-fetched dream. We all learnt it the hard way (pun, accidentally intended) and covertly as if it was a stealth operation.

There’s another double standard mothers have. They want their daughters to dominate their husbands, but they want their sons to dominate the wife. Mothers always train the daughters to be strong because they already know the daughters will have a tough time adjusting with the mother-in-law and try to become one later to avenge what they and their daughters have faced.

Finding a middle ground is not what mothers are good at. Expecting a mother to be a good mother-in-law is a lost cause. She will be a great mother – the greatest in the whole world. But, no woman is ever prepared to become a mother-in-law. In fact, they are fully prepared to become grandmothers. They are on their toes from the day the son gets married. But, that kind of urgency is never ever seen when it’s their daughter’s turn. Well, it’s not the mother’s fault. A mother can never be wrong. A mother can never take sides. A mother can never wish bad for their sons or daughters. But, a mother can also never love their daughter-in-law like their own daughters. It’s not their fault. They are wired to be biased. When it comes to accepting it, mothers never will. As soon as we accept it, we will be at peace.

Gates

You are all you have left

to fear.

Break free, and you will see.

How the wind feels,

beneath your wings.

How the breeze sounds

when it sings,

the song of liberation

in your ears.

You will become the reflection

of the sky.

You will be perfection,

in disguise.

Open your mind, to a greater world.

Emotions will flood,

with tears and no blood.

Don’t look back

on what you lost.

The journey will cost you

the time of your life.

fear no time,

because time is not still.

Fear no darkness,

because it doesn’t kill.

Fear no height,

because you are up there already.

You are all you have left

to fear.

Let go of your doubts.

Let go of your chaos within.

Fear will wear thin,

and escape your mind,

leaving behind,

just you,

all for yourself,

to unwind.

Where’s the Middle Ground?

If you are a middle-class man and married recently, there must be an incessant turmoil going on in your mind. You must be thinking, “why me?” There were times when nobody cared what you did, or said. But now, after you are married, everyone questions your decisions and actions (even inactions). You are blamed for posing a “changed” (read, spoilt) behaviour and it is basically not you – it's because of YOUR WIFE, who has drastically changed you as per her convenience and necessities, just because you are like clay in your thirties. Anybody can manipulate you and make you their slave, right? That’s the intention of every marriage – to enslave all of “Man” kind. The mother-sister combo tries that for a particular period with all their love. To some extent they succeed without any resistance from you. Because, you too love them back equally for everything they did to you, right from your birth till your marriage. Now that you have become their most prized possession, it is nearly impossible for them to let you get taken over by some woman who hardly knows you, but claims to love you more than anyone. They probably want to put that to test. There was nobody to question their ways as they had a monopoly on you. Now that your wife is in the picture, they are seeing her as a competition and not a partner. She’s anyway your partner for life. She will take over your life, like a parasite. She will infect you with a plague that your parents always tried to prevent. Well, all these are good thought-starters.

For a middle-class man like you, the time is stuck in between generations. “Middle” is your destination. You can neither go back to how you were before nor can you move on and be happy. Your basic factory setting will force you to choose your family over your wife, by default. But when that begins to change, the combo-ladies begin to smell fear. It is impossible for them to understand that they won’t be forsaken by you. In fact, when your wife is helping you to love them, you should know whose side you should take. There’s nothing wrong in sharing relationships. You were a son and a brother before. And, now you have also become a husband, a son-in-law, and a brother-in-law. There are many relationships yet to come. But, you won’t have to cut yourself into pieces to love each one of them individually. It’s a different story altogether if the relations (read, relatives) begin to cut you. It is your duty to hold yourself in one piece, physically and emotionally. There are times when you have an existential crisis more than a mid-life crisis. That’s when you need to really become selfish, and not think about anyone who loves you. Because, if there is no YOU, they won’t be able to love anything neither will you be able to love anyone back. You do not need approval from anyone to prove how much you love or care about your own family. They do not need to compete against anyone to prove their love for you. The only thing that would tug your heart is that nothing ever seems to work out. No matter what you do, after you get married, every breath you take is a manipulative move by your wife; and this mindset cannot be changed. Everyone turns blind to their own actions and this is truly disheartening. When you are not given enough space as a couple, it doesn’t sound like a serious mistake to them. If they are reluctant to gel with the new member of the family, it is still the wife’s mistake. And most importantly, if you are not sharing everything like you did before, you’re a federal criminal. Every intimate moment you have with your wife; every freaking smile that you both share together; every bloody secret that you both have, should be reported or else your life will be sucked out of you. After marriage, there’s no understanding left in them on the concept of “Personal Space”. They hound you for “blessing” them with a grandchild ASAP. As if we can order them on Amazon Prime and it will be delivered even before we got time to hold hands and feel each other’s heartbeats. That would be quite an efficient and untiring way to make babies, right? They should have tried that (via Speed Post).

Who is a H.U.S.B.A.N.D.?

It is imperative for any man to change after he ties a knot / gets married / legally wedded / escapes his singlehood / becomes the king / slave / HUSBAND! All men do accept the fact that they are not alone now. They can no longer live lives like they did as bachelors. They can no longer keep their room untidy as they preferred it to be. They can no longer sit idly and do nothing. While many wives think that they give their husbands enough freedom to do as they like, here’s the truth. The wives really do not intend to do so. But, they leave it to their husband’s “Superior Intelligence” to catch the cue. Well, I’ve gone a bit deeper into the concept of “HUSBAND” and tried to break it down alphabet by alphabet. With the minimum experience in this department, here’s what I feel HUSBAND should really mean to wives across the world –

H – He’s just HUMAN

Like all women, men too are humans. I am not supporting those who act like hooligans on the street, or the ones who hurl sexual abuses and harass women, and other acts of monstrosity. I am talking about those mad romantics who followed their dreams and became soulmates. And to other couples who didn’t follow their dreams and yet found “true love”, making mistakes is like a stepping stone in building stronger relationships. If men were machines, they would have been flawless in their every attempt to please / woo women.

When a husband doesn’t get the right detergent, or gets a 100 ml extra milk, or doesn’t add a spoon of sugar in the tea, or forgets to call back after reaching office, or falls asleep snoring, or gets a pastry instead of donut, or gets daisies instead of roses... wives are super-pissed about all of it. One stupid mistake and all the good things you did goes for a toss. If that can be overlooked, a husband will truly mean something (not everything. Not yet.)

U – He’s not always UNDERSTANDING

Some couples (soulmates / besties / life partners) claim to know each other so well; they can almost read each other’s minds. Well, if that were the case, there would be no domestic violence, no dowry-related suicides, no extra-marital affairs, etc, etc. To sum it up, “Understanding” each other is the root. We can conclude that husbands are not quite the understanding types. They zone out in the middle of the conversation; they are dumbnuts when it comes to catching the cues; they don’t quite get the concept of sign language when they are fully capable of speaking; they do not get the suspense in silence; they had hearing problems when it comes to whispering, and so on and so forth. Most of the household fights begin with one sentence – “Why don’t you UNDERSTAND?” Even if the husband is a huge fan / devotee / follower / fanatic of Sherlock, he will never be able to solve the mystery behind a stare. He won’t get why the wife is dreadfully quiet. He won’t dare ask, “What happened?” He will come to know it is because of something he did or didn’t do. Wives do sometimes get confused with the difference between “Knowing” and “Understanding”. Husbands do know their wives very well. But they do not understand why they act like they do. Husbands know that their wives crave for chocolates every month. They need to go out on a vacation and spend some time together. There are things that have to be understood. And there are things that have to be told in crystal clear words – words which a husband can understand straight away and reply with comprehensive reasoning. If the wife is mad at you, you have the right to know why. Expecting to understand something complex like a woman’s mind as soon as you’re married, is something that even NASA won’t be able to figure out. The wife will never know why the husband is so frustrated unless he shares his feelings. It is about sharing after all. The more you share, the more you know, and the more you understand each other well. The “Understanding” part in a marriage has to be mutual. Only then, a husband will truly know and understand. (Not fully. Not yet.)

S – He’s SLOW

In a family where both, husband and wife go to work, the responsibilities on both fall equally. But, in a family where just the husband is working, the responsibility falls more on the wife when it comes to managing the whole house. The wife tries to make everything work and does all the running around in the house, and outside as well. But, the husband goes to work, he too runs around to meet clients and get some business. He puts his whole mind at work and eventually loses his hair, or greys them. The balance doesn’t seem to be quite right. An ideal husband would never let his wife take any stress, or put a leash on her. He would never force her to rush into situations or decisions or taking any kind of actions. Unless they both are going for a movie, and she is taking all the time in the world to get dressed up, he would wait like a good boy.

On the other hand, the husband is most of the times forced to rush into almost everything. If the husband is on a call with a client and the wife asks him to do something... and if he says, “Wait a minute”, or “hold on”, or “WHAAAAT?”, or if he sees your text and doesn’t reply back soon, or doesn’t reply at all... it’s the end of time. It’s Apocalypse. It all comes down to his turnaround time. No matter how efficient the husband is, at work. At home, if he’s not doing the aforementioned chores, he’s a slow coach. Time is of the essence – true. But, not every time though. Being restless and being impatient are the qualities that work best in a professional setup. They take you to great heights and give you all the fame and recognition you deserve. But, a marriage is like wine. It gets better with time. More time, much better will be the taste. So, if your husband is slow at doing chores, having a little patience won’t hurt though. If wives give that grace time, husbands will surely get better and quick. (Not at doing everything. Not yet.)

  

B – He’s not that BRAVE

He may have been the most rebellious man in all of the universe who fled from his home to do something with his life and he may have fought innumerable battles to make you his queen. In the end, as mentioned earlier, he’s a human. And like all humans, he too gets scared. He’s afraid of things he cannot share, even with his wife. Husbands are extremely vulnerable creatures and rarely do wives catch them off-guard and see the unseen. Bravery to husbands is like honesty to politicians. They tend to show what they are not. There are situations when a husband has to either listen to his wife’s version of the situation or his sister / mother’s version. By default, the husband is designed to choose his birth-family over his wife. Most of the family feuds begin with disagreements, and it’s always the husband who is stuck in the ethical dilemma. If he runs away or ignores, he’s a coward. If he fights with his family, he will be labelled as “Wife’s Pet”. If he fights with the wife, he will be called as “Momma’s Boy”. These are fragile relationships and can be broken with a single misunderstanding. And, a seasoned husband who has understood the nuances will never let such situations come in his life. A husband is a creature who can do anything to have his peace of mind. He possesses a selfish attitude (which the wives will absolutely agree), the will to do anything, but in the end, he does everything that’s against his principles of peace. He may not shed tears, or he may not sulk about his pathetic life. But, he will always take a stand and accept that he’s not brave enough. If this truth is accepted by the wives, there will be no more fights. (Not forever. Not yet.)

A – He’s not at all ATTENTIVE

This is the case with most of the Gemini husbands. Their attention span in a conversation is hardly any seconds. Some wives have a habit of constantly sharing about their everyday activity with everyone and sharing their shared conversations with everyone. Not every wife is a Drama Queen or a Gossip Girl, but those who are, have no limits. The wives sometimes go on and on and on about their new Mascara, lip liners, and eyeshadows; their new tote bags and how it looks rad on her; the new old neighbour and how they are total douchebags. There are often stories about how the husband is not at all listening to them because they are still thinking of what his boss said; they might be thinking of some other woman whom they were gawking in the office; they might be thinking about how Croatia could have won the World Cup; they might be thinking what would Thanos do in Avengers 4, and so on and so forth. In many cases, wives just want their husbands to get involved and listen to their conversation. If they started the conversation with an intention to involve the husbands too, they would ask about his day at the office; ask him how he’s feeling; is he tired; sleepy; angry; horny... whatever. Only then, the topic of conversation could be decided. But, that’s not the case. The topic is predetermined. Husbands just become a conduit / storage device of that particular topic. If the husband fails to listen attentively, he will again be yelled at, on the same topic – of not being attentive enough. And, what do you think the husbands will do then? Listen for the second time?

Let’s turn the tables and see if the same rules apply to wives. The husband tells his wife about a new product lineup that’s been set up in the company and how blockchain is making a huge contribution in managing the data. The whole point about conversations is about listening to “each other”, and not just the husband listening to the wife. If this can be understood by the wives, the husband will listen to them. (Not all-day long. Not yet.)

N – He’s is so NEGLIGENT

Most of the husbands have heard this phrase quite too often, “You don’t care at all”. Though neither a wife nor a husband receives an instruction manual on how to handle each other, there are a few instances where they actually do. But, under common circumstances, it’s left up to the husband and wife to figure each other out. Be it arranged marriage or love marriage, nobody understands each other completely in one go. Just like a wife is burdened with responsibilities, the husband too is equally loaded with a lot of baggage (pun, not intended). It’s about the marriage of not just two people, but two families. Both husband and wife should ensure that the families are not grabbing each other by the neck, and vice versa. The husband and wife together represent families in multiple social functions. In these times, it is a “golden” opportunity (pun, intended now) for the wife to get dressed up the way she likes. But, the husband, when he fails to dress to the occasion, is labelled as “Negligent”. He doesn’t care about her side of the family; he doesn’t care about her friends or colleagues (what they will think); he doesn’t know how to dress; he doesn’t understand fashion, so on and so forth. That’s one side of the story. Looking at it from the husband’s perspective, here’s a little insight – The husband gets invited to a family function (say, engagement of his neighbour’s sister-in-law’s aunt’s daughter). The relation is maddening. That’s not the point. He gets invited and he’s not interested. These fine lines between words are what confuse wives. If the husband is not interested, it means he’s not interested. Drawing a series of implications of what it means is utterly unnecessary. If the husband is not interested in how his wife looks, it means he’s uninterested in speaking about the looks. Digging deeper into the topic should only happen if the wife is writing a thesis on the subject and is intending to complete her Ph.D. in Husband’s Comments on my New Floral Blue Pinafore. There are a few things that the wife doesn’t like about the husband. When he excitingly comes up to his wife and shows the new series of Sacred Games and the wife blatantly refuses to watch it with him – the reasons can be aplenty. But, whether you join him or not, he’s going to watch it anyway. It doesn’t make him negligent. It just points out the fact that the wife is not interested in what he is. These are some differences in a relationship that has to be respected. Only then, the husband will start to care about what you wear. (Not about everything. Not yet.)

D – He’s really DUMB

A sense of humour is not everyone’s cup of tea. While some wives take a joke sportingly, others think that their husbands have lost their brain. Scientifically, people who have a good sense of humour show higher signs of intelligence. But, science says many things. Not everything is practical and not everything is understood by wives or husbands. Wives usually consider their husbands to be dumb based on three main grounds –

1.    He doesn’t know when, where, in front of whom to crack a joke.

2.    Even if he does that in front of his wife, he’s still dumb because he said/did that joke in front of his wife, instead of saying something romantic.

3.    If he shuts up and says nothing then, the husband has no sense of humour, and so, he’s really dumb.

As mentioned before, none of us get an instruction manual to handle each other. It has to happen on-the-job. That’s the only way to learn. There are so many instances where wives have always been smarter than men in being street-smart. They have better skills in negotiation and bargaining than husbands. The husbands, in fact, respect their wives for that. It’s the universal truth that a husband becomes a husband, only after submission (accepting defeat). Even before an argument begins, the husband has a box of Sorry’s ready. It’s a sad state these days that husbands are fighting to “Not Fight”, and stay happy instead of just staying happily. It all sounds good in a blog, article or a story. But, try doing that in real. The HUSBAND will know how it feels to be a HUSBAND, and the wife will know who really is a H.U.S.B.A.N.D.

I Offer My Hands To The Shades

Terrified and terrorized, my dreams are numb.

Love, for some reason, has always stayed dumb.

Why did life have so many twists and turns?

So cold the world; yet it burns,

the hearts, the souls and the forest of freedom.

Now, I offer my hands to the shades,

the shades of grief; of disbelief.

I offer my hands,

to the monuments of myriad mirages,

to the chaotic substance of trust,

galvanized with love, yet vulnerable to lust.

I offer my hands,

to the unforgiving purgatory of reality.

I submit to the power beyond insanity.

I was infinite, yet confined to my self.

Now I am free.

Because I’ve offered my hands,

to the shades of glee.