Friday, December 11, 2015
A Letter to my Soul
Dearest Lost Soul,
Where do I even begin with? I’ve been meaning to talk to you ever since I was reborn. I am truly sorry that I couldn’t recognise your voice when you first spoke to me. I thought it was some retard in the neighbourhood screaming real loud and in an annoying way. I am sorry I tried to shut you down and not bother what you were trying to say. That was the old ‘me’ trying to be an ass. Now that I am perfectly what I was trying to be, I’ve never spent a single day trying to recollect every little thing you wanted to communicate to me. I’ve majorly screwed up in most of my life’s decisions and that’s just because I heard too much or too little from you. Please come back. You cannot imagine how empty it is in here. It’s like living in a bungalow all by yourself. You wake yourself up to dress yourself up. You cook breakfast and dinner for yourself. You ready yourself to get yourself to work and say goodbye to yourself while exiting the house and at the end of the day, you wish yourself good night and get back to sleep with yourself. I’ve been feeling too much selfish in all this and I want the redemption. I want to be with you for as long as I can remember and I want to listen to you for as long as the time prevails. I’ve even made a list of things we would do together if you’d come by and visit me sometime.
First of all, I’d want to see how beautiful you are. I’ve always imagined you to be an Angel from Heaven with the sweetest of the voice. Every time whenever I’d see your glimpse in my dream, I’d be flabbergasted by the thought of you being real of just a fragment of my lucid dream. Every time you’ve given me a chance to capture your presence, I’ve woken up with the brightest of the smiles. I’d want all of it to be real. When we meet, I wish to take you in my embrace and hug you for eternity. I am not sure if you’d like that. Because you are a free soul, you like being independent and unbound by possessiveness. That would make you a scary ghost living inside a human unwillingly. I’d definitely want you to make your own choice (whether to hug me or just shake hands). I’d then want us to spend the entire day admiring the things that we’ve got and cherishing the things that we’ve lost. I assure you, I’ll not consider this as a competition to outnumber your good or bad things. I’d want to ask a few questions to you about the places you’ve been while you were away from me and I’d be interested to know; how interesting those places could have been than my own mind. There’s a gamut of craziness germinating in this territory throughout the year. Sometimes I am terrified that the thoughts might get affected. I’ll need your help in harvesting those for me. I can’t figure out which ones are ready and which ones are spoilt. And yes! You guessed it right. The fertiliser is of course what my mind excretes all the time (sometime in excess). I’d want you to take over. There’s been too much thinking happening lately.
In the due course, I’d also want you to do some damage control. Though I’ve been away from you for a certain time, my friends have begun to think that I miss you. They have somewhat confused you to be my heart and I’ve been failing to explain them how you are different from the heart and mind. For God’s sake, you are a soul. You are more than that. I feel offended at times when you are compared to such silly things. I am not buttering you here to come and meet me, but my mind and my heart wants this to be crystal clear. They don’t like being compared too. They want peace ultimately. But, each one of them wants peace to come from their zone, which is why there’s an internal warfare going on. I am tired of battling them out. I am afraid I’ll lose one of them. I can’t do it without favouring one of the sides and make one stronger. I need your support. You’ve heard everything I said. Maybe you’re out there somewhere, listening to my grievances and giggling in an ultrasonic voice saying, “You should’ve listened to me before”. I surrender myself to you. I am waving the white flag and pleading you to take me in. I may be broken, but I still got you. I am sure you’ll patch me up. So what if I’ve had some failed relationships, or confused friendships, or diffused loyalties. I wish I could blame it on someone, or something, but it was all me. It was me trying to make both sides win. When my heart won, my mind was lost and when my mind stood still, my heart broke. And through those broken mirrors when I tried to see myself, I could see everything I lost, including myself. That’s when you screamed. I was slowly killing you too. I can’t apologise for what I did to you, but I am alive enough to make it up to you.
I beg of you to give me one last chance. I ask for one final tryst with you so that I can show you how beautiful the world can be for me if you stood by me. You’ve always seen the loveliest side of me and the world and you know best what’s in store for us. I promise I’ll never disappoint you and I’ll give my word to you that I’ll never allow any form of fights inside me (occasional bullying excluded). That makes up for some of the most memorable adventures – when I try to kiss a stranger and get kicked in my unmentionables, when I jump off the cliff, not knowing if I am wearing a parachute, when I finally live a life YOU always wanted me to live. But, mostly, I’ll be blessed if you talk to me every once in a while and hangout into the wilderness with my craziness intact. I hope you wouldn’t mind! How would you? You’re not MIND! You’re my soul; my sweetest, loveliest, greatest, and the only Soul. You may have another me in another life, but I have the ONLY YOU, in my only life and I want us to be infinitely inseparable.
I might be going out of the line and asking too many things from you after too long and in too little time. But I assure you, it will be the first and the last request. Because once you start speaking, I will be speechless and you’d have an upper hand. You will have all the benefits and I’ll just be your carrier. In the end, whatever I’ll be doing, will be to satisfy you, and only you. I might die without taking those things I’ve earned while you helped me get them. But, you, my friend, would take it all. The advantage is clearly yours. Who knows? The next body you enter might not even let you in, or might be more magnanimous than me. Either way, you are the winner. So, this is not only a personal request to join me, but looks like it is a business proposal too.
I wasn’t sure if you’re the philanthropic type or a realistic type, so I’ve kept both options open for you. I’ll be waiting for your call and will be searching for all those cosmic signals you’ve been sending me all this while which I’ve been royally ignoring. I’ll seriously look up to them and look forward to meet you.
It was a pleasure writing to you. I wish I could say – “God Bless your soul”. But, you are the soul. So, I’d rather request you to wish me instead.