The concept of control

“Control” has been a very subjective term over the years. The term has been used, misused, abused to its maximum potential by plutocrats and monarchs alike. But, how differently does this word play out in a family setting? It’s yet another convoluted perspective to look from.

Control, by definition itself, means a relation of constraint of one entity. From our childhood, we’ve been “taught” that we should be powerful enough to “control” all the negative emotions that turbulently gush in our minds (as if it is some disease). For instance, we should control our anger. For ages, we have come to learn that anger destroys relationships, personally and professionally. And, it is quite true. Our parents or teachers aren’t wrong about that. There are infinite examples proving that fact across all streams in science, philosophy, art & literature. Also, when we speak of families, the whole concept of control is born out of hierarchy (family tree). Why should a family need control in the first place?

There are a couple of reasons why it is the strongest choice. When the family has a “Head” (whom we unanimously call, father), he runs the business. He takes care of the financial needs, he looks after everyone in such a way that nobody has to ask for anybody else’s help. He guides you towards the right path whenever you are heading in the wrong direction. He is there as silent support without making a “Hero” out of himself. If he’s open-minded enough, he passes on the control to his “sane” family members who know what are the right things to do as a family.

Sanskrit has etched it in the ancient historic books (Vedas) that “Mother & Father” are equivalent to God. And who dare question that sempiternal truth? Respect for parents becomes a default setting of ours when we all take birth. But, how far can the children go to defy that? To what extent can control annihilate relationships? Well, there is one simple analogy. Human beings are like sand at the beach. Keep them close to the ocean; they all stay together, mix well with each other. There are some occasional seashells and crabs joining the party. The darkest truth about staying together is, “there are no footprints left to follow”, because the waves wash away everything at the shore. As kids, we all wish to be let free, walk our own paths, make our own mistakes. And when that part of our life is taken away, we wouldn’t have an identity left of our own. We may have been a pain in the ass for our parents because of our obnoxious behaviour. But, that’s the whole essence of being “children”. We have no bias about anything in life. We see everything equally as we want. Our imaginations have no limits. Clip our wings, and you would see a bunch of spiritually dissatisfied millennials wanting to break free from the “traditional” cage. In simple terms, our parents are the ocean – full of knowledge, emotions, virtue, love, and magnanimity. They have control over the sand (the children) only when they are within and around them. The sand that’s drenched in the ocean’s love, knowledge, virtue, etc. It is unaffected by the wind. It is unmoved, unchanged for centuries. If the sand travels a bit further, away from the ocean, children would build sand castles, play ball, take a romantic stroll and that’s how they become useful to the society outside. If the sand travels even farther, it becomes a commodity. Capitalists trade sand and gravel to build homes, skyscrapers, multinational corporations. The sand becomes a celebrity. While there’s the sand that still embraces the ocean tightly, has a very high probability of turning itself into quicksand. It might swallow everything coming in its way, except the pride. There can be a strong argument that global warming is the result of the sand that stayed too far from the ocean. In other words, the world can come to an end, if we stop loving our parents and forsake them in their old age. Let’s bring “Control” into the picture, shall we?

“Control” in any condition, in any context, when exercised beyond the threshold, is lethal. There is a stark contrast between Buddha and Hitler for that very reason. While the former let go of control, the latter didn’t. The former became the epitome of peace, and the latter turned synonymous to extinction. It isn’t fair to compare our parents to either of them. They are mere human beings. And like everyone, they too are entitled to commit a few mistakes of their own. But, should they be punished for it? Treated badly? NEVER! As a family, we should all be crystal clear with our emotions. Any doubt, misconceptions, anger, an indifference that fogs our minds, should be immediately cleared away. There can be disagreements as long as it doesn’t end relationships. A disagreement that leads to hatred is the evil job of “Control”. Parents do not have that strength to develop hatred against their own children. Instead, that hatred turns into apathy. They embrace the fact that some things are out of control. As days pass by, the thin line between controlling children and shaping children begins to fade away. They tend to believe both to be one and the same thing. Embracing change is something not all parents are good at. They love vintage stuff the most even if they pretend to like technology more. Vintage, according to them is something that’s old, unharmed by modernity, and unquestioned by critics. That includes traditional values and cultures too.

Speaking of values and cultures, parents have imbibed them all in us from our childhood. As said earlier; we were taught many things in life - controlling our emotions being the major part of that learning. Boys were not supposed to cry, girls were not supposed to stay out late, husbands have no business in kitchen and wives have nothing else to do other than watching daily soaps. These were the norms set by society. Then there emerged a set of rebels, glass-ceiling breakers, and misfits who defied them all. They questioned authorities, asked more whys and whats than our parents ever did. When the parents couldn’t answer their questions anymore, they began to ignore us, silence us or teach us that questioning elders are wrong. We should respect them. Typical, isn’t it? From childhood till our adolescence, we learned to respect elders without questioning authorities. And here we have a set of the population that’s kept as “Reserve Forces” to demolish those who question higher authorities in religious, political and organizational levels. Independent ideologies have to place where control is exercised by insensitive leaders. If this religion is right, there is no other religion that can be right too. If this government has done something good, there is no other political party that can do better. If this organizational structure has brought in good revenues, there is no other way we can let some outsider be CEO. Similarly, if the parent has said something to their children, they have no right to question them or their way of upbringing. There are some elite groups that cannot fathom the concept of resistance. To them, it means war. To others, it means a collective disagreement on an archaic ideology. To a generation whose likings range from Game of Thrones to FRIENDS, know that friendship, sex, and violence is a reality. But, to the generation that grew up underplaying every possible nuance of sex, violence and even reality, feels that they should never learn it or know about it. The gross mentality remains the same. The younger generation has the ability to unlearn real quick, unlike the older generation. The younger generation believes in instant gratification. It is the technology that’s evolved from magazines to smartphones. The millennials get whatever they need at the click of a button. They need no parental validation to prove their standpoint. The millennials are cool living with LGBTs, working with low salaries or no salaries with no job security at their dream company. They wish to marry whenever they seem to be mentally, physically and financially fit. These terms can no longer be dictated by parents anymore. But, parents have their own way to define their style of control. They call it “Cultural Teachings”. If an outsider does the same to their children, it is called “Brainwashing”. If a woman changes (or intrigues change in) a man, it’s called “Manipulation”. There is no single instance where the parents have accepted change positively and immediately, sometimes both. How can this change? The answer is – NEVER!

The children are not at fault for not living up to their parents’ expectations. The parents are not at fault to expect their children to obey their every command. The society is not at fault to blatantly remain unabashed by any global catastrophe. The world is not at fault for existing so long without being reset. Because the concept of control is beyond comprehension. Oceans that lose control, cause a tsunami and consume the whole world. Sand dunes that are oceans away can easily turn any gentle breeze into sandstorms. This, both, the ocean and the sand, should understand.