Double – Minded!

Shall I wake up now or after an hour? Shall I have my breakfast or I’ll just have some biscuits? Shall I start working on the brief or do the research first? Many thoughts had already haunted my mind and vacated the brain-souk! I was being double-minded on my thoughts today and was unable to decide a thing. I gave it a rest and allowed myself to go with the flow. Nothing bothered me much because I was punctual by default and the regularity was of my least concern. What hit me hard was the imposition of my own values. I’d made myself too snappy. I felt that keeping me cheerful would be the easiest thing to do because I don’t have to worry about anything, and on the contrary, that was the thing which bothered me a lot.

I started asking “what next” after my every oblivious smile. Most of the times I answered my own questions that made me smile again and again, but when my double-minded being started thinking of the same question, it didn’t please me much. I’ve told this to many of my friends that, “Never die to see who cries for you! Instead of that, live to see who smiles along with you!” and everytime I told this to my friends, I was always there to see them smiling. They were all genuine smiles that never had any second thoughts. Their joys had got very much focused. Subsequently, I started losing my permanence and was getting more ubiquitous. My ubiquity was being mistaken as nostalgia and I was being termed as “homesick” which changed my life completely. I “changed” myself!

I was a very silent and obedient son, but I started arguing with my parents, I reveled going against their wishes and most of all, I rebelled wrongly because I wanted to fulfill ‘my dreams’ and not ‘theirs’! It was my incapability of not being an intelligent child even after their endless efforts to make me a scholar. I once loved to be at home and enjoy watching TV and playing games, but I started going out with friends and didn’t bother to see what the condition at home was. I tried to prove myself that I could stay away from them and still stay happy and I was not dependent on them for my happiness. I behaved mindlessly and didn’t care because I thought that they wouldn’t mind. It now tugs my heart that I was such a ‘Satan!’

I am still a dogmatic person and I believe in quite a few philosophies.

1. Parents are ‘Gods’ on earth in the living form and I beg for forgiveness!
2. Everything that happens happens for good and that optimism stays in me!
3. I can pretend to be happy as long as my happiness is not taken for granted!
4. I love to stay crazy, but not insensitive and irksome!
5. I have ‘God’s Gift’ of poetry and nobody can take it away from me!

These are just a few and there are not many either. I’ve lived my life like a haughty hunk and now I’ve started to regain my nomadic vision. There are things that I need to still change about myself and I try hard every day, but still end in vain. I need to ‘open’ my mind for more thoughts to come in and make my work ‘standout!’ I need to be stronger in accepting the fact that I am not good enough as I think I am! I need to be more rigid in talking my heart out straight to people. I keep saying to myself that, “ignorance is the best weapon to kill worries”, but unless I solve them, they won’t leave me! The ultimate lesson I still need to learn is, “to say NO” to things I don’t like to do! Any task that says, “kiss my @$$ and reach the top” is not my piece of cake even though I am capable of doing it!

I was double-minded thinking about the same thing; whether or not I’ll give myself up as a ‘joking stock’? Whether or not I’ll give myself up as an ‘ignorant nerd’? Whether or not I’ll give myself up as ‘God Gifted’ son-of-a-gun! I had my answers ready in my double-minded soul, and for a change, the answer was single-minded; it said, “Be what others couldn’t be by replicating you!”